Let’s cut to the chase: Experiencing grief when you have kids is really hard.
When your grief is suffocating you, how do you show up for your kids? How do you help them through their grief when you’re barely managing yours? How do you talk about grief to your littles when talking about grief is so painful for you?
Here are a few things you can keep in mind to help you through grief when you have little ones:
Remember, it’s okay to not be okay
When your child sees that you’re hurting, they will watch carefully to see what you do with these feelings. Be open about your sadness, and share with them that it’s okay to be sad. When they see that you’re allowing yourself to be sad, they will know that they are allowed to be sad, too. That will subconsciously teach them to sit with their grief instead of avoid it. It also teaches them how to feel emotions and process them. If you show your kids that it’s OK that you’re not OK when someone you love dies, they will learn through your actions that they don’t always have to be OK.
Create Safety
Building a safe dynamic can set a healthy foundation for the grieving process. Children are highly aware of their parent’s reactions. It only takes a few repeated reactions for a child to learn a silent rule. Do your silent rules around grief say “It’s safe to talk about your grief,” or “it’s not safe for us to talk about grief.” Create spaces where you talk about your loved one. Show them pictures and ask them how they feel. Tell your kids fun memories you have, and ask them what their memories are. Open dialogue about hard things will help create more safety around grief in your family.
Grieve Together
There are times when you need to process by yourself and with other adults. Maybe you go to therapy to talk about all of the complicated feelings you have around grief. Or maybe you vent to your friends in a group text. But it’s important to make time to grieve with your children, too. Nurturing these conversations keeps the subject from becoming “taboo.” Showing them that stability can still exist in sadness gives them permission to feel. And most importantly, grieving together will increase the connection that you feel with your kids, and that they feel with you. Connection can’t erase your grief, but it can help heal pieces of it.
If you’re struggling with your grief and you think it might be affecting your kids, therapy would be a good place to start processing those feelings. If you need a counselor, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with one of our counselors by clicking here.